What Do You Do?

I was sitting here having a really strange conversation with myself, when a series of thoughts struck me. (Yes, I have many and intricate conversations with myself, and I’m proud of it! And so am I!) Anyway, I have recently been trying to language what it is that I do. (Feeling a line from the movie Office Space coming on...

In this mythical conversation I was having with a potential person who would ask me what I do for a living, I responded “I help people live more authentic lives by helping them understand and feel the interconnections of mind and body.”

Then I thought, “Why does that sound weird?” I initially told myself that it was a bit wordy. 

Reality Check #1: Then I said it out loud for flow and timing, and it took way less time than a 30 second elevator speech. I could also shorten it to “I help people live more authentic lives,” which is short and sweet.

Hmmm. Maybe it’s because it isn’t true and that it isn’t what I actually do or how I help. 

Reality Check #2: Then I thought about the various clients I have worked with throughout the years of my practice. I also remembered a recent conversation with a client who has worked with me for most of that time. I have been actively helping people to communicate with and understand their body-mind connections in various ways from the start. And, if you boil it down to the essentials, it’s all about helping people to improve the communication between their mind and body so they can have a better understanding of themselves and their true needs which is what living authentically is all about.

Nope. Still weird.

Then I thought it’s probably because it sounds a bit pretentious, a bit like a megalomaniac trying to sound humble. Or like an annoying attention seeker who is saying something outrageous just to keep the conversation around themselves.

Reality Check #3: But, I want to spark conversation. I want people to ask and to question, not to keep the focus on me, but as a way to get them curious about the possibilities. I want people to be curious about their own selves and whether or not they are living authentically. I want people to be engaged with what is (how is what I’m saying resonating with you), not responding to what they think they know (what body and energy work do).

Still uncomfortable.

So, I went back to my reverie, and to a recent conversation I had with someone I just met. She asked me what I do. (The standard question that I hate answering because I never know what to say). I answered “Good question!” I then followed up with “I’m a body and energy worker,” which is my most recent fall back answer.

That’s when it hit me. I answered what I “do” with an “I am” statement.

Why am I confusing what I do with who I am? That’s probably why I have a terrible time telling people what I do. I, like most people, have been trained to say my occupation as a label, and then call that label who I am. “I am a/an [insert label here]”. I was so unconsciously attuned to this equating what you do with who you are, that when I tried to separate it, it felt weird but authentic at the same time. (Which was probably why I truly despised answering the “what do you do” question, because I believed I was supposed to answer one way and felt I needed to answer in another way.)

And even more, when I was trying to describe what I do rather than label it, I was effectively thumbing my nose at convention. I felt uncomfortable enough to worry about what convention would think about my new way of doing things. In effect trying to find excuses as to why I can’t authentically express myself. (Peeling the onion...)

This caused me to wonder what it would be like if we all answered the “what do you do?” question with a description rather than a label that starts with “I am.”  How would you answer that question? Would it be a short version of your job description, or would it reveal how what you do impacts those you work and how you make a difference?

So, what do you do?

The Miser

I’ve had a curious couple of weeks. I’ve been worrying more about money and feeling a greater and greater urge to conserve it. I have been noticing that more of my thoughts are centered around how much things cost, how much I can’t afford things, and feeling resentful about having to spend money on things I need. Now, if I was a spendthrift, then yeah, this concern could be considered an attack of conscience, and be a good thing. But I don’t spend a lot of money. I never have. In fact, I was listing off a couple of ways I could pare my spending down, after refinancing my car (which will reduce it a bit, but not as much as you think), and it was literally going to reduce my expenses by only $15 dollars a month. That’s it. There was nothing else to take out. This mindset has been slowly creeping in, so I didn’t even notice it until the last day or two. And it wasn’t until today, when I got The Miser card, that I decided to have a think about it.

A kind way of interpreting the 4 of Pentacles, also known as The Miser, is conservation or security.

Well, this is kind of interesting. I was thinking about security, or more specifically about the illusion of security, just yesterday. I’m in the process of buying out the lease on my car, and am taking out a loan to do so. One of the conditions of the loan is that I have to have a life insurance policy that will cover the loan if I die before I pay it off. While the agent was explaining this to me, she mentioned that it was generally a good idea to have life insurance. I think I may have shocked her when I said that I didn’t think my life was insurable and that I prefer to be worth more alive than dead. I had already experienced first hand that you can think you are secure and safe one minute and the next, have little or nothing left. For me, it was divorce. But the experiences also can come in the form of stock market crashes, natural disasters, accidents, terrorism, you name it. Since that particular illusion was shattered for me, I’m more aware that I am skating on the edge of a catastrophe curve, and that there are no guarantees. However, maybe it doesn’t stop my craving guarantees. 

But, why now, all of a sudden? I’ve had less money before and, while I was careful with it, I wasn’t worried or fearful about it. I wasn’t getting much more insight with this, so I pulled a card from a different deck to try and shed some light on it. Reversed Rabbit, which is about being paralyzed with fear. 

This is looking like a great day so far! 

The explanation in the book was about re-evaluating the process I am undergoing, and rearranging the way I see my present set of circumstances. Then a separate thought popped into my head about not doing anything rash. (As if!)

My present set of circumstances. I guess you could say that I’m at a crossroads. My business is limping along, I’m contemplating going to graduate school, I’m preparing to pitch a workshop to a group of therapists, and throughout all of this, I’m wondering if I should get a job because of the money situation. Ok, maybe not so much a crossroads as a train wreck, with different cars of the train trying to go in different directions at the same time.

Maybe this feeling of being pulled off my center is what is causing my craving for security. Because I don’t feel internally stable, I’m trying to grab onto something external that I think will keep me from feeling like a weathervane on a windy day.

Hmm. The number 4 in Tarot is about stability, and the miser is about gaining stability through material means. So, this new obsession about money and getting a job isn’t about actually needing a job, but about me trying to feel more centered and in control, despite the fact that job security and control are both illusions!

It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic. So now what? Just because I can see what I am doing doesn’t mean the feeling of not being centered or focused has gone away.

Okay. Maybe I need to rearrange the way I see my circumstances. Maybe this is creative tension or I’m supposed to get comfortable with discomfort. Or, maybe the different directions that I feel that I am being pulled in aren’t really different directions at all. Maybe they are part of a bigger whole that I just can’t see yet, and all I need to do is peck away at them and try not to do anything rash.

I still can’t see how it all fits together or even what the next step is, and I can’t say I feel very calm, but I have a heading and that helps me feel a bit more centered.