The Safety Rope

Maybe it’s the time of year; a time of clearing out, new beginnings, and movement. Maybe it’s because in the Northeast, we have had a particularly rough winter, and the cabin fever became just too much. All I know is that I have seen a dramatic increase in the number of people struggling with things like the loss or impending loss of a loved one, divorce or custody battles, marriage struggles, family member illness, and watching children getting ready to leave the nest. In other words, massive change. And for many of us, massive change means chaos and overwhelm.

Now, you would think that when we are in situations that take us to the edge, that we would reach out for help, or continue whatever self care we were doing, like going to the gym, getting a massage, or eating healthily. 

But that’s not usually the case. 

From what I’ve seen, when we are in the most need of help, guidance, or support, that’s when we are least likely to seek it out or to continue it. We tend to choose to fight it out on our own, isolated and in pain. I hear things like, “I’m not in the right head space to get treatment now,” “I’m so overwhelmed, having to plan a treatment would just make it worse”, “I just need a few weeks until the situation calms down, then I can think about it”, “I can’t afford to keep going with this”.

And when you are up to your eyes in it, these reasons feel real. Heck, that last quote was mine. I really did think that way, and at the time, it was very real.

It was about 9 years ago, and I had been back in the States for about 2 years. I was back in massage school, but after the first semester, I realized there was no way I could work full time and to to school, so I cut back on my work hours. However, I was still paying for school, and because I couldn’t get a loan, I was on the hook for several thousand dollars per semester. Added to that, I was trying to get the money from a buyout of my former house overseas from my ex husband. There were months of stress as I tried to get him to move the settlement up the priority list to get it done. I had been working with an acupuncturist and a psychotherapist for awhile, but when I went part time, I no longer had the insurance that was helping me pay for it. After paying out of pocket for awhile, I was getting to the point where I didn’t know how I was going to pay for it. As I sat in the psychotherapist’s waiting room, I thought, “I can’t afford to keep going with this. I’m going to to have to tell them that I can’t see them anymore.”

Then a thought popped into my head. “Don’t cut the safety rope.” Exactly those words. As I thought about my situation, I realized that I had created a support system to help me through a crisis, and here I was, ready to cut that support system in the middle of a crisis. How would that help me now and in the long run? I realized that I needed to find a way to make it work.

The very real financial issue didn’t just disappear with that realization, but when I discussed the situation with the therapists, and my very real need and desire to continue with treatment, both made adjustments that could allow me to continue. That support helped me to do more than cope with my challenges, but actually help me bring resolution to them.

It took some time, a few missteps, and a lot of reminders to “not cut the safety rope”,  but I got myself to the point where if I feel that I’m struggling, my first inclination is to reach out, not pull back.

If you’re struggling or overwhelmed by what is going on in your life, and your tendency is to pull back, try reaching out. Find your own safety rope, and grab it when you need it.

Humble Pie

As some of you know, I’m a pretty unassuming person. Which is kind of interesting, because at 5’10”, with mostly dark hair apart from 2 sections of white a la Bride of Frankenstein, you would think that I was born for the limelight. In truth, I would rather shy away from it than seek it out.

Not good at selfies!

Fortunately, (or unfortunately as the case may be) as I move into this next phase of my life, one of the things that I will need to develop is the ability to stand in the limelight, with a strong belief in myself and my abilities. Now, on the face of it, that doesn’t seem like too big a deal because I am confident in myself and my abilities. But it is a quiet, self-effacing kind of confidence. (Is that an oxymoron?) I don’t want to shout it from the rooftops. That would be self aggrandizing - making myself more important than others. 

What?? Where the heck did that come from?

Part of me knows that wanting to share my talents, abilities, and knowledge with the world is NOT self-aggrandizing, because how are you supposed to help people if they don’t know how you can help?

So, what’s REALLY the issue?

I know there is a difference between promoting your message and promoting yourself. But if you still have to get that message across, how do you work with the subtleties between where your hard work and abilities end, and where the message, that you are the caretaker of, begins?

You see it all the time. The gurus who get so caught up in their own hype they seriously lose the plot, losing themselves in the message they bring, or individuals more interested showing off their skills than putting those skills into action. I don’t want to be that person. I’ve worked too hard, and the last thing I want to do is get caught up in the cult of personality.

Now, you may be wondering why I’m worried about this happening to me. I’m not famous, nor do I have a mob of adoring people who think the sun shines out of my bottom. But I don’t think it’s really about being famous. I think it’s about being genuine. I think it’s about honestly acknowledging and appreciating your abilities, talents, intelligence, other people’s adoration, or whatever, but not letting it go to your head.

My dilemma continued. How do I acknowledge all the amazing things that I offer, and let people know about how I may be able to help them without sounding like an arrogant jerk? Up to now, my strategy involved self-effacing promotion, (that is DEFINITELY an oxymoron) and probably just confused people because they couldn’t figure out if I knew what I was doing or not. It’s hard to tell people, “I do know what I am doing, but I don’t want to seem like an ego maniac.” Um...

So, how do you do it? How do you confidently promote yourself and maintain a genuine but humble quality? While meditating on that question, a strange looking equation popped into my head. Humble is = (equal to), not < or > (less than or greater than). Hold that = (equal to) feeling when promoting yourself and your work.

Well, I can certainly give it a try.